Nothing Says Christmas Like a Plastic Tree

Nothing beats the smell of real pine needles mixed with gingerbread houses and hot cocoa. Maybe the smell of burning plastic and wire lights if you’re contemplating putting up an artificial Christmas Tree. Seriously, if you’re going to put up an artificial Christmas Tree, why not just go the distance and put out fake presents with empty boxes just wrapped up in pretty paper and bows. Sure, it’s more expensive. But you’re already spending hundreds of dollars on the newest edition of COD (that is Call of Duty for those out of the loop) for your full-grown son, so what’s another forty-something dollars for a real tree, that may even outlast your artificial tree if FeeFee has her feline way with it. How boring is it to just stroll down the aisles at your local Kmart and choose the most enthusiastically pre-decorated and sporadic branches unequally distributed along a six foot stick?  You know what artificial Christmas trees remind me of? Those horrific “camouflaged” cell towers on the sides of the Garden State Parkway.  You know what I’m talking about. Those tall brown round columns that are obviously too thick to be any tree on the East Coast (unless something was transplanted from Muir Woods, CA). Then they have these ill-fitting “branches” sticking out from the sides covering up the wires and other technological extremities. (See picture below if you don’t know what I’m talking about…haha)

Why not try to go out to a local tree farm (I prefer the one in Allentown, NJ off I-195)?  It’s such an adventure to venture out into a sea of tall, short and everything in between trees. It’s a search similar to that of finding the perfect (wo)man. You may spot love at first sight. You may think you’ve found the right one and find unacceptable flaws underneath the beautiful green skirt. It may take several tries and encounters with different trees before you find the one that fits you and your needs. Once found, take in hand your hack-saw and get to work on the overly stubborn trunk and hope to the higher powers there is a gentlemen in sight with a John Deere transporter to relieve your arms from the torment of dragging this six-footed monster 100 yards to the cashier. After successfully reaching the wrapping and cashier station, the tree is wrapped up tighter than a Christmas ham and then strapped to the roof of your car for dear life.  Upon arrival at your residence, you treat that tree like a member of your family, or closer, by watering and feeding it over the next few weeks. And if treated properly, this tree could last you past January… if you so chose to keep it up that long.  With a real tree, you’re granted a blank canvas for your decorating pleasure.  Grab the lights, the tinsel, the popcorn garland and the poorly-made-yet-well-intended elementary school ornaments. Some people prefer to take the more simpler route, but my family takes on the theory of the more the merrier. I will supply photographic proof in the next week or so.

 

So the choice is up to you America… are you REAL or ARTIFICIAL? ENJOY!

Classic Commercials… What was that company again?

Ally Bank: It’s a Piece of Junk.

 

The Most Annoying Trends…Ever

Gross-o Pants.

You know these hideous things as “Gaucho” pants.  Originally, gaucho pants were the fashion staple to women in the 60s. And unfortunately made a resurgence in 2005. These things are the biggest fans of the Wedgie.  If you’re wearing anything, including granny panties or a thong, the whole world would know! They’d even be privy to a pre-screening of your derriere. How considerate of you (the wearer)! Where them on a first date, and your man will have dinner and a show once you get up from the table.

Hair Bands with Bows.

These things are all the rage right now.  It’s as though the youth of America doesn’t already want to grow up and join the rest of the young adult world, but are now reverting back to childhood wear.  What’s next? A binky on a string attached to your BEBE top?

Pastel Ugg-lies.

I am all for UGGs. I have had the same boots since freshman year of HIGH SCHOOL. But I was walking behind a girl today across campus and she had on pastel Uggs. I will admit, already, they are not the most fashion-forward designs. But, hello! they are soft, furry, warm and fuzzy. And you try walking through the city in zero degree weather in your Bear Paws or Skechers Ugg-wanna-bes and see how fast frost bite is nibbling at your insignificant pinky toe.

Kanye West Sunglasses.

Okay, seriously, WTF are these things? As if the obnoxious “rapper” doesn’t have enough things to do to try to be famous, he has to go ahead and wear this ridiculous pieces of plastic. They were all the rage at the boardwalks by me this summer, and all I wanted to do was spray water in the eyes of the wearer and be like “yeah, and I bet it doesn’t protect you against UV rays too… hello cataracts in 20 years!”

FUPA.

It’s almost like the Mom Jeans syndrome that occurs with older women.  Why? Just what makes you think this looks good, or comfortable for that matter? Can’t you find some jeans that fit?

Stupidity Blows Out Your Mind Hair.

Just like Miley, this picture will send me off into a rant that will last from here until the Mayan’s 2012 apocalypse. Are you a 13 year old girl? Stop making the kissy face. Did you stick your finger in an electrical socket? Buy a brush, Walgreens has them on sale for $4.99. Are you going to the gym? Or were you working up a sweat holding you hands up to blow out your hair? And then the chin strap… gross.

Leg Warmers.

Are we back in the 80s with Richard Simmons in an exercise video? And worse… the girls who wear these over jeans! This just looks stupid. I’m sure you don’t need leg warmers in the middle of summer in Arizona.

Do Your Pants Sag Low?

This I never have understood. This cannot be comfortable for you. You’re 20 something years old and your pants are past your buns and being held on for dear life by that pathetic excuse for a faux-leather belt. In what respectable industry in the work environment are you allowed to dress like this? Buy a properly fitting pair of pants and an Italian leather belt and then maybe you’ll get an answer to those “hey bay-bay’s”.

 

Got any trends you hate?

Just Because

Finish this sentence: “Just because…”

… I’m Asian doesn’t mean I speak an Asian language, so stop assuming.

… I’m Asian doesn’t mean I’m good at math or science.

… I’m Asian doesn’t mean I’m a bad driver.

… I’m a girl, doesn’t give you the right to touch me at a bar.

… I’m a girl, doesn’t mean I can’t love hockey more than a boy.

… I’m from NJ doesn’t mean I can’t pump my own gas or check my oil.

… I have a MAC doesn’t mean I don’t miss my PC.

… I’m a girl doesn’t mean I like the color pink.

… I’m nice doesn’t mean I’m weak.

… I’m talkative doesn’t mean I’m always confident.

… I’m adopted doesn’t mean I don’t take after my adoptive parents.

… I’m born on New Years Eve doesn’t mean I get any less presents.

… I’m a college student doesn’t mean I’m lazy, drink every night and don’t have multiple jobs.

… I’m a DEVILS fan doesn’t mean I don’t respect the Rangers and their organization [ but do I hope we crush them every game, yeah?! ]

… I’m a girl doesn’t mean I don’t listen to & enjoy hardcore bands.

… I’m a Jersey Shore local, it gives me the right to hate on every Benny that comes to vacation in my town.

… I live in the U.S. doesn’t mean I support everything the government does.

… I am great at public speaking, doesn’t mean I’m not shaking before I go up to speak.

… we were once friends, doesn’t mean we’ll be friends forever.

… I’m 22 years old, doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a fruit by the foot.

… I’m graduating college doesn’t mean I know what my next move is.

… I hang out with more boys than girls, doesn’t mean I am sleeping with them.

… I’m a girl doesn’t mean I like drama… at all.

… I’m always happy, doesn’t mean I actually am.

Happy Hump Day

Congratulations. You have made it to that glorious moment in the middle of the week called “Wednesday”.  You’ve survived Monday morning, and even returned to work/class on Tuesday to make it to where you are today.  Now, you only have about one day and eighteen hours until the official Happy Hour of the weekend.  How are you going to spend it? Are you going to head down to the local bar and feed off the lustrous FREE BUFFET they have for the tired and overworked? Or are you going to load up on one too many Grey Goose Martinis and bar popcorn bowls until your overpriced suit pants are about to burst? But regardless, just holding onto the notion that the weekend is within an arms reach may be enough to get you through this week… and if you need a reason to celebrate the weekend, know that Twilight: New Moon is just hours away too! I’ll drink to Robert Pattinson. ENJOY!

Love to Hate Celebrities

Love them or hate them, they are what makes the paparazzi money and gives you something to read on the can.

Rachael Ray.  Don’t even get me started on this one. From her obnoxiously Fran Drescher-like voice, a Fran Drescher who has smoked cigarettes from the first day out of the womb, to her unnecessary abbreviations like “sammies” for sandwiches.  These abbreviations have affectionately been dubbed “Ray-isms”.  I still eat the 30 minute meals my mother makes from the recipes she gets from her, but with a sour taste of hatred and disgust on the side. 

Kate & Jon Gosselin.  Gracing the continental U.S. with their ever-present photos on the cover of every tabloid in your supermarket or local Quik-E Mart, these two has-beens are a divorce lawyer’s dream.  But you have to admit, these two produced Aaden (a personal favorite) and the other seven little devils angels. Just hoping that the apples don’t fall from the dysfunctional tree. 

Lindsay Lohan.  Talk about a train wreck. Are you a lesbian or barsexual (just looking for that male attention because you kiss girls when you’re drunk)? Are you team Dina or team Daddy Lohan?  How many more trips to Betty Ford will you make before your 40th birthday? Whatever happened to that sweet little Haley Parker from Napa California?  I think Aubrey from I Know Who Killed Me ate her. 

Miley Cyrus.  Shoot me know when I hear some screaming pre-pubescent girls saying they want to be like Miley (stripper pole or no stripper pole).  But, I have to shamelessly admit, I have been caught singing Party in the U.S.A. to myself while walking across campus…and nodding my head (like yeah) and moving my hips (like yeah). 

Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt.  These two media whores have been made “popular” over doing nothing.  They are “stars” of a crappy not-scripted reality show on MTV and couldn’t even make it through the jungle without hospitalization or finding a new religion.  The combination of both personalities of stupidity and arrogance make them a monster couple, perfect for the tabloids.

Kanye West.  This obnoxiously, overrated (c)rapper stepped over the line for me when he interrupted sweet little Taylor Swift.  His big mouth has gotten him into trouble once more. The pretentious ass called himself the closest thing Hip Hop has to God. No, not so much.

Jennifer Aniston. I was never a Friends person. But she seems to play the same character in every movie, none of which I like/own.  She has made headlines of late because of her failed relationships with noted stars like Vince Vaughn, John Mayer and let’s not forget Brad Pitt.  She has a very beautiful outside, just her personality seems blahhh. Que aburrida.

Paris Hilton. I’ll admit I am hooked on finding Paris a new BFF every other season.  But enough is enough with the foo foo outfits and super high pitched voice. I don’t need to see your crotch hanging out of any $500 designer dress and million dollar Mazarati. The catch phrase “that’s hot” is growing old and spider webs on it.  And I doubt anyone actually followed the Simple Life.  But, Hey! Your perfume smells nice!

 

10 Funny, Weird Infomercials

So you’re up late at night, maybe you just got home, maybe you just can’t sleep, but you turn on television at 3am and you’ll be sure to find a plethora of infomercials with the late Billy Mays to the incarcerated prostitute beater ShamWOW guy. Here’s a list of the weirdest infomercials out there. Click on the names for a video clip! ENJOY!

1. Ped Egg. Good in theory, just tune to 0:28 seconds in, and you’ll lose your lunch.
2. Snuggie. These cult-like backwards ill-fitting robes are actually quite comfy. 
3. Health Insurance. Ok, we know Billy Mays could sell OxyClean, but health insurance?
4. Shake Weight. Wow, they tell me sex sells, but really?
5. Magic Jack.  Hello, Grandma? Click.
6. Facial Flex.  I didn’t know that a dental device could be used to tone your facial muscles.
7. Tiddy Bear.  Talk about a play on words.  Beanie babies would be ashamed. This can’t be real, but you never can tell.
8. Hawaii Chair.  Maybe these people need to pick up a Shake Weight too.
9. Rejuvenique. Who would’ve thought Michael Meyers would inspire a facial exercising mask?
10. Katana Sword.  ”We need emergency services in the studio.”

Don’t wait, you’re opportunity is passing you by!